amatyultare: (bookworm glee)
[personal profile] amatyultare
And I enjoyed it a lot. But it was also ridiculous. REALLY ridiculous. So I wrote a thing about it.

A few notes:

•I am not Cleolinda, and this is not a Movies in 15 Minutes production, but it is possible that part of this will, um, sound like a faint echo of her work? Because it's a similar format and also I've read her M15M about a hundred times each? So if you notice similarities, I apologize.

•If you have not yet seen it, I would like to point out an amazing image set (put together from the movie trailer, I believe), which basically posits that the real OTP of the movie is Jane/Science. This is...relevant.

•Also, one theater in Shanghai accidentally used a fan-manip Thor/Loki poster to advertise the movie. This...this is also relevant. Trust me on this.



It’s Not a Marvel Movie Without Some Exposition

Odin: In the beginning, before the Nine Realms were created, there were the Dark Elves…

Audience: Wait – elves?

Odin: And they were Dark and Evil and hated the light.

Malekith, Leader of the Dark Elves, who looks a lot like Nosferatu: We hate the light! It burns us!

Audience:space elves?

Malekith: It burns us, precious! We will destroy the light! We will destroy the light across the universe!

Audience: Are you for real right now.

Odin: And lo, my father and his warriors did do battle against them and against that one elf that could turn into a Balrog -

Balrog Elf: RAA!

Odin: - to prevent them from using the plot device Aether, a mysterious red-black glowing cloud of Evil, from bringing dark to all the realms during the Convergence™ which happens once every 5000 years.

Asgardian Warriors: *fight heroically*

Aether: *writhes ominously*

Malekith: It's not a sonic screwdriver, but it will do.

Odin: The power of Asgard snatched the Aether away so it could not be used, and the Convergence™ passed, and the leader fled with a small band of his people while sacrificing the entire rest of his race to disguise his escape.

Balrog Elf: *dies*

Spaceships full of Space Elves: *crash*

Malekith: *escapes*

Asgardians: *are blissfully unaware of his escape*

Odin’s Dad’s Advisor: We must destroy the Aether! Cast it into the fire!

Odin’s Dad: No! It is precious to me cannot be destroyed! We must hide it where it can never be found!

Advisor: Okay, we can do that. How about deep in the vaults within Asgard? Or on some lonely asteroid far out in the galaxy where no one would think to look?

Odin’s Dad: Nah. I was thinking – let’s find a cave around here.

Advisor: A cave here? On the Elves’ planet? Like, right off the battlefield?

Odin’s Dad: And then we’ll stick it under a rock.

Advisor: Under a ROCK?

Odin’s Dad: What could go wrong?

~THOR 2~

A Scene That Must Have Happened Immediately Post-Avengers

Loki: I cannot believe that you’re making me wear all of these clashy silver chains when my outfit is clearly green and gold.

Frigga: Loki, priorities.

Loki: Mom, you are ruining my dramatic moment here.

Odin: You should be nice to Frigga; only her intervention convinced me not to kill you. Instead you’ll rot in the dungeon forever for your crimes.

Loki: Excuse YOU, my only crime from where I’m standing is trying to be a benevolent dictator to a bunch of lesser mortals like some other Allfathers I could mention who AREN’T EVEN MY REAL DAD!!!

Odin: You tried to make yourself a god! But we are mortal. We are born, and live, and die, just like humans.

Loki: We die after living for 5000 years while having awesome magical powers you incredible hypocrite. I WAS MEANT TO BE A KING!

Odin: No, you were meant to be DEAD. And you would have been, if I hadn’t rescued as a baby after slaughtering your entire family!

Loki: YOU ARE SUCH A DICK.

Some time later, on some vaguely Asian, vaguely medieval Heim: Thor and his Warriors Three, plus Lady Sif, are fighting bad guys. Roll Call!

Fandral, The One Who Kinda Looks Like Robin Hood: *fences* Who are we fighting again?

Hogun, The One Whose Name Is One Letter Away From ‘Shogun’ Because Of Course: Not sure. *slashes* Taste the steel of my sword!

Volstagg, The One Who Is Totally Gimli: And my axe!

Sif, The One Whose Name I Actually Remembered: Hi-YA! *Xena-flips*

Thor: Who’s back? Thor’s back. *hammer smashes a bunch of bad guys* WOO!

The battle is won PDQ once Thor smashes their leader/best fighter/whoever into a pile of literal gravel.

Thor: Oh Hogun! I’m so glad we could bring peace to your land.

Hogun: Hang on, this is my land?

Thor: You should spend some time here, rebuild or whatever.

Hogun: Can’t I come back to Asgard for the after party, at least?

Thor: *peaces out*

Hogun: *is never seen again*

Asgard, Midday

Lady Sif and assorted Asgardians are having friendly sparring matches in a courtyard; Thor watches from a balcony.

Odin: You’ve brought peace to the Nine Realms. Good job! You’re about ready to take the throne.

Thor: Thanks, Dad.

Odin: Also, Lady Sif is looking particularly badass today.

Thor: Oh no, here it comes.

Odin: Still mooning over your human girlfriend? Look, ignore what I said to Loki a couple of scenes ago. We live way longer than humans and basically are better than them in every way. Forget the Jane chick. Date Sif. She's totally into you anyway.

Thor: I cannot even handle this right now.

So he goes to wash up. Shirtlessly. There is an extreme close-up of his abs at one point, for…for science.

Speaking of Science…

In a nice restaurant in London, Jane is on a date with a regular, nice guy. Naturally, she is hiding behind her menu.

Nice Dude: So, Jane! Did you want to talk? About anything? Weather, sports? Politics, religion, our respective ex-significant others? I’m open to whatever here.

Jane: *peers over menu, immediately ducks back down*

Another person: *comes to the table*

Nice Dude: I think we need a few more minutes.

Other Person: Nah man, this is the series where I’m not a waitress.

It is Darcy, and she immediately pulls up a chair and starts buttering a roll and stealing Jane’s water glass because Kat Dennings is 100% sass.

Darcy: *to Jane* He’s cute! Not as hot as certain ex-boyfriends who shall not be named, but cute. Oh, and speaking of Thor *waves scientific device* a lot of anomalies seem to be popping up in a location near here. You know, like the anomalies that showed up the first time he arrived on Earth? Except this time in London, where we are? After coming to England in order to find your mentor Erik? Who has gone bananas due to Loki-mind-possession?

(The audience chuckles at this, because Mental Illness Is Funny.)

Nice Dude: Er, we are in the middle of a theoretically romantic lunch, can the exposition not wait?

Jane: Gotta go, science calls *bolts out of restaurant*

In the car, Darcy now has her own intern and drives like a bat out of hell, because naturally. They arrive at a semi-creepy abandoned warehouse and find a Band of Adorable Adolescents. They ALSO find SCIENCE:

Truck: *floats weightlessly in the middle of a room*

Darcy: Is this the Animatrix?

Band of Adorable Adolescents: *drops bottle*

Bottle: *disappears, reappears a few feet above them*

Jane: Ooh.

Darcy: No seriously, this is the Animatrix.

Jane: *wanders off in search of more Science*

Darcy: *drops shoe into portal, gets shoe back*

Kids: *drop debris into portal, get debris back*

Intern Ian: *drops car keys into portal….*

Keys: *do not reappear*

Darcy:

Ian: Can I claim the plot made me do that?

Darcy: God you’re a doofus.

Jane prowls around the upper stories of the Garage of Science.

Wind: *appears from nowhere*

Door: *creaks ominously*

Unseen Power: *drags Jane down the hall bodily*

Jane: HORROR MOVIES ARE NOT VERY SCIENTIFIC...

Jane is pulled through the door and suddenly finds herself inside Mount Doom in the Mines of Moria in a cave somewhere. The only distinguishing feature is a large rock which hovers slightly above its pedestal. In the gap between rock and stand is an ominous red glow. Jane goes over and leans down and reaches into the gap because, hey, it could be science!

Aether: *writhes, touches Jane*

Jane: *recoiling* Whaaa?

Aether: *envelops her*

Jane: *collapses*

After Party in Asguard

Volstagg is playing with his dozen adorable children while Fandral has two pre-Raphaelite ladies sitting on his lap and giggling at his jokes. Meanwhile, Thor wanders around wistfully, though he has at least put on his best Legolas cosplay for the occasion.

Sif: So….how are you enjoying the party? Wanna get a drink? With me? Together? Instead of going to ask Heimdall about your human girlfriend again?

Thor: I’ve, uh, gotta go.

Sif: *sigh*

Thor heads out to chill with Heimdall for a while and see how Jane is doing.

Heimdall: How’s the party?

Thor:
Okay. How’s the…watching…thing?

Heimdall: Pretty interesting at the moment. The Convergence™ is almost upon us. Though you seem more interested in something else – or should I say, someone else?

Thor: Oh God, please don’t try to lecture me about my romantic choices TOO.

Heimdall: Eh, no worries, I don’t judge. Jane is pretty smart for a human anyway. She’s studying The Convergence™ herself. In fact, I bet she’s doing some science right *blinks* huh. I don’t see her anywhere. That’s, uh, that’s not good.

Somewhere Heimdall Can’t See

Jane is possessed and wreathed and enveloped by red-flecked dark power. She opens her eyes, and they are pure black. She opens her arms as if to welcome the destruction of the world. She is…Dark Phoenix.

(It looks way better than the actual Dark Phoenix effects in the actual X-Men movies. X-Men fans weep softly in the distance.)

And then, she wakes up on the floor of the warehouse, a bit disoriented but seemingly none the worse for wear. She wanders outside to police lights.

Jane: Dammit, Darcy!

Darcy: Hey, you were gone for hours!

Jane: omg

Darcy: What was I supposed to do?

Jane: OMG Darcy OMG

(Oh hey, Thor is here!)

Jane: *storms over* You leave me for two years without so much as a phone call, and now you show up while I’m innocently trying to do some science???

Thor: I feel really, really bad about leaving you for so long. Even though, to be fair, I was fighting to maintain the peace of the Nine Realms. I missed you every minute.

Jane: *softens*

Thor: Jane. I – I – *leans closer*

Jane: Yes? *leans closer*

Thor: I lo- *leans closer*

Jane: …yes? *leans closer*

Darcy: YO!

Thor and Jane: DAMMIT DARCY

Darcy:
Can kissing time wait until we’re NOT about to get arrested?

Jane: Let me handle this. *approaches police officer* Sir, there’s perfectly logical, scientific explanation for all of this.

Police Officer:
Ma’am, I’m afraid you’ll have to come with us.

The police officer puts his hand on Jane’s arm, at which point Dark Phoenix Aether powers explode out of her in every direction. Car windows are shattered and police officers go flying.

Thor: Well, THAT’S not good. Jane, I’m taking you to Asgard.

He scoops her up in one arm and does so, leaving Darcy and Ian behind with several dazed and angry police officers.

Darcy: *calling after them* Thanks for nothing, guys!

Welcome To Asgard!

Jane: *stumbles onto the Bifrost* Okay, that was the best roller coaster ever. A roller coaster of SCIENCE! Can we do it again? Can we can we can we?

Thor: Um, maybe later.

Somewhere in Space

The Space Dark Elves’ ominously dagger-shaped ship reactivates. A small force of Dark Elves is awoken from their Ye Olde Coldsleep.

Malekith’s Advisor: The Aether is awake, and it calls to us.

Malekith: Indeed! And so I will stab you with this ritual dagger –

Malekith’s Advisor: OW!

Malekith: - and give you the Not-Really-That-Great-Of-A-Disguise Mask and the burning stone of Balrog-ification and send you into the heart of our enemies. Become the Balrog when the time is right, and from that point you will be invincible. Until the nothingness of this dark power utterly consumes you.

Malekith’s Advisor: Uh…

Malekith: Off you go!

Asgard’s Dungeon, The Nicest Cell Ever

Loki has what really is The Nicest Cell Ever, but even with Frigga trying to reason with him he’s still throwing a hissy fit.

Loki: Who are all these other prisoners intruding on the endless boredom of my confinement? And why is that guy wearing a mask? Were these prisoners even screened or processed at all?

(Malekith’s Advisor is herded into a cell with some other prisoners further down the hall, giving Loki a baleful glance as he passes.)

Frigga: Loki, stop complaining. You have books and a chaise and all of the furniture in the cell is in your colors. Do you know how many fabric swatches I needed to look through to coordinate all of this?

Loki: Books and a good color scheme don’t make up for a life of nothing but ennui and disappointment. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A KING!

Frigga: Oh, for the love of – the Allfather just trying to do what’s best for everyone!

Loki: He’s not my real dad! AND YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM EITHER!!!

Frigga: *sad motherly tear*

Loki: *immediately abashed* Oh shit – sorry Mom, I didn’t mean –

He reaches out, but Holographic Frigga dissipates at his touch. (So that’s where he learned it.) Loki goes to sit in his lovely chair in the Nicest Cell Ever and have a good long sulk.

Asgardian Med Bay

A group of healers determine in short order that Jane has some kind of weird energy thing inside her and it’s super dangerous and is maybe going to kill her? So that sucks. But Jane is in remarkably good spirits, mostly because she is starry eyed over the technology.

Jane: Is this a Supertechbabble Scantronicom 5000?

Asgardian Healer: Beg pardon?

Jane: Does it use the [technobabble] of the [technobabble] to [technobabble]?

Asgardian Healer: …yes?

Jane: *beams at Thor, whispers conspiratorily* Science!

Thor grins back. The group of healers smile fondly at this byplay. The whole scene is actually very cute until Odin storms in.

Odin: WHY is your human girlfriend HERE, I thought we had DISCUSSED this.

Thor: She’s not well -

Odin: Then she should see a HUMAN DOCTOR. Humans are sickly and basically die all the time anyway, I’m sure it’s nothing. Guards, remove this woman!

Thor: I wouldn’t –

Guards: *armgrab*

Jane: *Dark Phoenix-esque involuntary power-explosion, part two*

Odin: Ohhhhh.

Odin then takes them to his library so that he can consult his magical picture-changing history book to explain what’s going on. Some more.

Odin: My father fought and defeated the Dark Elves 5000 years ago during the last Convergence, which is once again upon us. All of the elves were killed, despite their primary weapon, the Aether. The Aether is pure destruction and it seeks to possess a mortal being who is eventually killed by its power. And until this moment, we had thought the Aether had been destroyed.

Thor: So, what about these Dark Elves?

Odin: Oh, they’re dead. Definitely dead.

Thor: Just like the Aether was definitely destroyed?

Odin: SILENCE

Jane: So, um, how do we get the Aether out of me before I die of it?

Odin: WE DON’T *slams book shut*

Jane: No offense, Thor, but your dad? Is kind of a dick.

Asgard is for Lovers

Somewhat at a loss for what to do, Thor decides to take Jane sightseeing. They stop at a particularly scenic spot so that they can discuss the details of the Convergence™.

Jane: *breathily* Are you – are you talking science to me?

Thor: Anything for you, Jane.

Jane: HOT.

Sundrenched, picturesque Asgardian makeouts ensue.

Frigga: That’s adorable.

Thor: Mom! Hi! How long have you been standing there?

Jane: *meeting my possible future mother-in-law freakout*

Dungeon of Dramatic Irony

Malekith’s advisor decides that now is as good a time as any and crushes the ember stone, becoming the Balrog Elf that he was destined to be. He proceeds to kill the other inmates in his cell before breaking out of it and wreaking general havoc while Asgardian guards (sheesh, say *that* five times fast) flail in panic.

Loki, apparently over his sulk for the time being, stands at the front of The Nicest Cell Ever and watches the chaos with a sort of detached professional curiosity. Balrog Elf kills a bunch of guards and opens pretty much all the cells except, for plot reasons inexplicably, Loki’s.

Loki: TYPICAL. Throne room’s to your left, by the way.

Back in the Palace

There is general alarm.

Odin: Just a small disturbance in the dungeons.

Meanwhile, At Heimdall’s Post

A cloaked Dark Elf ship whistles past; Heimdall notices it and starts sprinting down the bridge. Just as you’re about to say ‘oh come on, doesn’t he have any faster way to communicate with the palace’, he LEAPS ONTO THE INVISIBLE SHIP, anchoring himself on its side with his swords. He somehow manages to stab the exact spots that will make the ship explode before jumping off, landing back on the bridge like a badass moments before the ship crashes in front of him.

Heimdall: Today! We are cancelling! The apoc-

Like, thirty more Space Elf ships: *fly past him*

Heimdall: DAMMIT.

Maybe a Medium-Sized Disturbance?

Odin: Nothing to worry about! *Asgardian warriors converge from every direction* Just a small disturbance!

Frigga: Of course, dear. *hustles Jane away* Jane, I need you to pay close attention to me and do exactly as I say.

Jane: Did you just grab Sting?

Frigga: FOCUS, Jane!

Heimdall has raised a shield over the palace, but the shield generator is somehow inside the palace? Someplace that Balrog Elf can find and immediately smash? Look, all I know is that the shield is down and now it’s maneuverable X-Wing-style Dark Elf ships versus the Ye Olde Wall-Mounted Laser Guns and Ye Old Winged Chariots with Machine Guns of the Asgardians, and it’s a whole lot like the attack on the Death Star except in a crazy mixed-up universe where the Dark Elves are the Resistance, and it is AWESOME.

Then the Command X-Wing makes a controlled crash landing in the throne room, and Dark Elves with laser guns and portable-black-hole grenades pour out. Considering that the Asgardians have swords and shields rather than projectiles of any kind, they actually do pretty well, but it’s a bloodbath nonetheless.

Malekith strolls nonchalantly through the slaughter and makes a beeline for Frigga and Jane.

Frigga: If you want her, come and claim her!

Malekith: Hang on, I’M supposed to be the elf, remember?

Frigga: *glowy-sword goddess beatdown*

She’s actually more than holding her own, right up until Balrog Elf shows up and gets her in a chokehold. Malekith approaches Jane, gloating – but when he touches her, Holographic Jane fades away.

Malekith: *advancing ominously* Where is she?

Audience: Oh no.

Frigga: I’ll never tell!

Audience: Oh noooo.

Malekith: Fine, we'll do it your way!

Audience:
Noooo Frigga nooooo!

Balrog Elf stabs Frigga through the sternum just as Thor arrives, tragically moments too late. Slow Mo Hammer Throw! Unfortunate Villain Escape! Odin also arrives at this point and Real Jane comes out from hiding just in time to see them weeping over Frigga’s body and feel really, really guilty.

It’s a Viking Funeral and You’re All Invited EXCEPT YOU LOKI

There is a truly beautiful Viking funeral for Frigga, as well as all of the other Asgardians who died in the attack (and holy shit, there are quite a few of them). Loki is still being Ironically Amused in the dungeon until a faceless guard comes to tell him the news – wait, they didn’t let him come to the funeral? Thor and Odin didn’t even think of coming to tell him in person? That’s pretty cold.

The next morning, Jane is having visions of the world being destroyed and has been taken into Asgardian custody. Grief-stricken, Thor goes to talk strategy with Odin.

Thor: While I love Jane and want to protect her, we have to be practical. I think we should take her offworld, lure Malekith to some remote location, and attack him there.

Odin: It’s too risky! Jane will remain in the depths of this castle! And when they come, we will destroy them all!!!

Thor: Sure, but they'll kill probably 90% of Asgard in the process! That seems like a very bad plan.

Odin: IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES, THAT'S WHAT WE WILL DO!!!

Thor: Why am I the one being logical and not bloody-minded in this scenario????? WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY A DICK, DAD?

Deeply Troubled in his Mind, Thor calls a secret council of Sif and the Warriors Three, except with Heimdall standing in for Hogun because I guess the imminent destruction of the Nine Realms isn’t enough to call him back from vacation?

Thor: So I have a cunning plan.

Volstagg: Oh, this should be good.

Thor: First, Sif, you’ll break Jane out…

Sif: *eyeroll* Oh good, an Eponine moment, just what I always wanted.

Thor: and then you’ll all buy us time to escape from Asgard.

Heimdall: And how will you do that? Your father has commanded that the Bifrost remain closed, and me listening to treason is one thing, but actually committing it is quite another.

Thor: See, that’s the most brilliant part of my whole plan! Who's the one person who knows secret ways between worlds, and thinks Odin is as much of a dick as I do right now?

All: *facepalm*

Loki is sitting, distraught and attractively disheveled, among the ruins he’s made of the Nicest Cell Ever.

Thor: I don’t trust you. But I know you loved Mother too, and I’m offering you a chance to leave this cell and avenge her.

Loki: Wait. You have a cunning plan, which involves sneaking around, treason, and minimal direct fighting, to take out the Big Bad? Oh, this I’ve gotta see.

Thor: But seriously, if you betray me, I will kill you.

Loki: …Hot?

Thor/Loki Shippers: *sigh* (Look, I told you it was relevant)

Having something to do seems to have pepped Loki right up; he’s bouncing with manic energy as they make for the ship.

Thor: Loki, I cannot believe that I have to say this to you, but can you at least try to be discreet?

Loki: Sure! What if I turned myself into a regular guard? What if I turned you into Sif? What if I turned myself into Chris Evans?

Thor: *eyeroll*

Loki: Can I at least get a weapon?

In a rather clever fakeout, Thor handcuffs Loki instead. The two share a look that encompasses complex emotions, including – possibly for the first time – mutual respect.

Thor/Loki Shippers: *heartfelt sigh*

They meet up with Sif – who has indeed begrudgingly broken Jane out – and Volstagg, who cover their escape to the abandoned Dark Elf ship in the throne room.

Jane: Thor, hon, have you ever used anything like this before?

Thor: Nope! But how hard can it be?

Thor and Loki proceed to spend about fifteen solid minutes bickering about which buttons to press in which order before Thor finally gets them airborne. There’s a great shot of this muscular, commanding leader standing triumphantly astride the helm while his slighter, smarter, brunet counterpart stands slantwise behind him offering snarky yet pertinent commentary.

Jane: Hang on, so we were in Star WARS, but now we’re in Star TREK?

Thor: Both! Neither! Whatever! Whee!

Loki: We are hitting LITERALLY every structure in Asgard, why are you so terrible at this.

Thor/Loki Shippers: Wait, they’re Kirk and Spock analogues? We can get behind this.

Jane, overcome by the combination of SCIENCE and metatextual (metafandom?) homoerotic imagery, collapses.

Loki: Great, now your girlfriend is dying and every ship in Asgard is chasing us. This is the worst plan ev-

But no! It’s time for them to jump/get pushed out of this ship and into the Ye Olde Winged Chariot, piloted by Fandral. One Asgardian ship full of warriors does catch on to the ruse, but Fandral swings across to them and knocks them all out. Dashingly.

And then Loki pilots them directly into a cliff through a small cave that has Bifrost-esque sides which in turn shoots them to the Dark Elves’ titular Dark World.

Oh Hey, Kat Dennings Is Still In This Movie

Darcy is having a panic attack while Ian is flipping through cable news.

Darcy: Why won’t anyone return my calls? Jane! SHIELD! Erik!

Ian: Wait, Erik Selvig? Jane’s mentor, older guy, kind of a genius?

Darcy: Yes!

Ian: Currently in police custody for running around Stonehenge naked except for some scientific equipment?

Darcy: *facepalm*

Erik has apparently been so mentally damaged by his Loki-possession that he completely disregards social norms (such as keeping his clothes on), mistakes a police waiting room for a college lecture hall, and can’t recognize faces – he doesn’t know who Darcy is until she says her name twice when they come to bail him out.

This is all presented as funny, and the audience obligingly laughs, because Mental Trauma Is Hilarious.

And then, as they exit the police station, a murmuration of starlings (thank you Ian) disappears from the sky above the three and reappears directly below them like a sci-fi version of The Birds, yikes.

This makes Erik realize that he’s actually right about the Convergence™ and therefore not crazy, and he throws away all of his prescription medications. Because that’s how mental illness works in this universe, I guess.

The Dark World, Ye Olde Winged Chariot

Jane is not doing so well – meaning, she’s feverish and barely conscious.

Loki: You know, as a human, she’s going to die sooner rather than later. Maybe you should just give up on her now.

Thor: Why is every single person in this movie obsessed with my love life?

Loki: Perhaps you’d prefer a different topic, like how you FAILED TO SAVE OUR MOTHER?

Thor: Oh, like you were a big help in that department IN YOUR PRISON CELL!

Loki: YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY BLAME ME FOR THAT WHEN YOU PUT ME THERE, YOU MEATHEAD.

At this point, Thor has pushed Loki half-supine against the back of the ship and is leaning over him as they yell at each other. Also, Loki is still handcuffed.

Thor/Loki shippers: Unf.

But Loki offers a metaphorical olive branch and Thor pulls himself away, muttering that he wishes he could trust him. Loki responds with a seemingly genuine expression of regret.

Thor/Loki shippers: *tear up*

Jane sits up, eyes vacillating between pure black and elf-y, icy blue, because They Are Here.

Thor: *unlocking Loki’s handcuffs* So, you know the plan?

Loki: Oh, totally. *pulls out a dagger and stabs Thor*

Jane: WHAT???

Savvy Audience Members: Wait for it.

Loki tosses Thor down the hill and Jane runs after him; Loki strides down last, expounding about how he doesn’t care about Thor! He doesn’t care about dead Frigga! He doesn’t care about anyone!!!!

Loki: ...and I never liked Star Trek ANYWAY. Star Wars for life! *cuts off Thor’s HAND, godDAMN, to prevent him from calling Mjolnir*

Savvy Audience Members: Wait for it…

Malekith: Well, this seems odd.

Balrog Elf: Eh, this guy was in the Asgardian dungeon, he seems to hate them, it’s all good.

So Thor is writhing in pain on the ground and Loki is smirking because some tricksters just want to watch the world burn, and Jane is cowering until Malekith psychically lifts her to begin the Aether extraction.

Savvy Audience Members: Wait…for…it…

Thor: NOW!

Turns out Thor’s hand was only holographically cut off, so Thor grabs Mjolnir and blasts the exposed Aether with lightening while Loki shields Jane with his body. The plan works great! Except for the part where the Aether is not actually destroyed and Malekith is possessed by it anyway.

Jane: *slumped on the ground, completely drained* Worst. Day. Ever.

Thor tries to attack Malekith but is waylaid by Balrog Elf, who can’t even be seriously hurt by Mjolnir. Loki is attacked by five Dark Elves but takes them out like a BAMF and goes after his brother, whose face is LITERALLY being ground into the dirt. Malekith takes this moment to make his escape.

Loki: *backstabs Balrog Elf*

Balrog Elf: *frontstabs Loki*

Loki: And yet *gasping for breath* I have the last laugh.

Loki has activated Balrog Elf’s portable black hole grenade, and BE gets sucked into nothingness and disappears. Thor cradles Loki’s dying body in his arms.

Thor: That was an act as brave and as foolish as any I’ve ever done. Dad will be so proud.

Loki: I - didn’t do it - for him. (NB this is an actual quote)

Thor/Loki Shippers: *scream*

And then Loki is dead. Definitely dead. A shellshocked Jane staggers up to Thor as he keens.

Jane: Thor, honey, I am so, so, so sorry. But the Sandstorm of the Damned is coming towards us and we need to go.

So, the Convergence™ is about to happen, Malekith has the Aether and is heading to Earth (which is the focus of the whole shebang) to destroy all Nine Realms during said Convergence™, and Jane and Thor are stuck on the Dark World without a way off. They cling to each other in despair in a strangely familiar Mount Doom Mines of Moria cave.

And then, Jane’s phone rings.

Nice Dude: Hi Jane! So, that lunch the other day was pretty much the worst date ever, but I was thinking – you’re completely gorgeous, maybe we should try dinner sometime?

Jane: What? Sure. Huh? Whatever. JUST DON’T HANG UP.

Thor: *demigod jealousy pout*

And then Jane trips over the keys that Ian randomly dropped in that portal that one time.

Two steps more into the cave and they’re back on Earth, and they even have keys to the car left outside of the semi-creepy abandoned warehouse.

Jane: GOD BLESS THAT DOOFUS INTERN.

Dead. Definitely Dead.

Turns out Jane and Thor left just in time, missing a guard that Odin sent out to see what happened to them. The guard seems to shimmer for a moment just as we catch sight of him, with an energy one might call ‘holographic’, then returns to Asgard.

Totally A Normal Guard: Thor and Jane are gone, my king, and Loki is dead. Totally, totally dead.

Odin doesn’t show much emotion at this pronouncement. The Totally a Normal Guard looks – oddly pleased?

The Cake Is A Lie

No time to consider what THAT’S all about. Jane and Thor round up Darcy, Ian, and Erik in short order, determine the exact location of the focus of the Convergence™ , and head out with scientific equipment that will allow them to create their own gravitational anomalies.

And they’re just in time, as Malekith’s dagger ship embeds itself into a suitably picturesque college quadrangle.

Thor: *advancing* That’s it. I’m calling you out, elf boy.

Malekith: What in all the Nine Realms could you possibly threaten me with –

Thor: *hammer smash*

Jane: *dramatic dial turn*

A swath of Malekith’s remaining warriors: *disappear through a gravitational anomaly*

Darcy: *whooping* Now you’re thinking with portals!

A truly wild fight scene ensues; Malekith and Thor hit each other literally through dimensions and across several different planets, through the ground and out of the air, while Malekith’s OTHER remaining warriors chase Darcy and Ian around the quad and through traffic and Jane keeps turning dials desperately and coeds film everything with their iPhones because Kids These Days.

At one point Thor loses his grip on Mjolnir and it attempts to return to him. Unfortunately he keeps tumbling between worlds so it has to make a U-turn basically every ten seconds.

Mjolnir: I'M GETTING SOME VERY MIXED SIGNALS HERE, THOR!

Also there are fighter jets and missiles and ice planet monsters and dip-kissing, not necessarily in that order.

But alas, eventually Malekith figures out they’re just trying to buy time to keep him from using the Convergence and starts to call upon the full power of the Aether. A glowing red-black cloud of destruction tentacles its way into each realm.

Jane: It’s too late! We can’t get close enough to him to use Science!

Thor: You can’t, maybe. *grabs scientific instrument heroically*

Inside the Hellish Vortex

Thor: *dramatic slow mo running*

Malekith: Are you KIDDING me.

Thor: *dramatic slow mo stabbing with scientific instrument*

Jane: *most epic dial turn of all time*

Malekith: *is sent back to his own dimension, closely followed by his ship, which crushes him*

Jane: *into the suddenly eerily quiet quad* And that’s why you never mess with a scientist.

The Aftermath

A couple of days later, Ian, Darcy, Jane, and Erik are all sitting awkwardly around Darcy’s table eating cereal. Thor has gone back to Asgard, and Jane is fighting heartbreak. Again.

Jane: I mean, he’ll be back eventually! If his father doesn’t kill him. Because of the treason. *pokes cereal morosely*

However, Odin seems to be strangely okay with the whole treason thing.

Odin: You saved the Nine Realms and everyone saw you do it. I think you’re ready for the throne.

Thor: Dad, I’ve realized that I wouldn’t be a good king. The power, it changes you. I mean, you seem to have stopped being a dick for now, but who knows? Loki understood that. He would have made a far better king than I.

Odin: *steeples fingers* Tell me more.

Thor: And this ISN’T about Jane. Not all about her anyway.

Odin: What’s your plan?

Thor: Protect the world, be with the woman I love, standard superhero stuff. If I can live even half as well as Loki died, I will be content. Because it turns out? He was the best brother ever.

Odin: I cannot give you my blessing, or wish you luck. Nor can I tell you that, IF Loki were alive, he’d also think you were a super awesome brother although he’d agree that I he would make the better king. But anyway. Godspeed, I suppose.

Thor: Thanks, Dad. *strides out dramatically*

Odin: *is totally Loki*

Audience: Hang on. Is Odin dead? Or did you just, like, sneak into the throne room to have this chat with Thor while the Allfather was otherwise occupied?

Loki: *smirks unhelpfully as the end music rises*

After the Credits

Sif and Volstagg have somehow stumbled onto the set of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Sif: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we weren’t executed for treason, but why do we get stuck with the scene with the dramatic drop in film quality?

Cat-Whisker-Scar-Lady: *shrugs*

The Collector: I hear you have something for me?

Volstagg: Holy shit it’s Benicio del Toro!

The Collector: *bows obsequiously* And you are giving me the Aether suspended in crystal, also known as an Infinity Stone...why, exactly?

Sif: Because we already have the Tesseract and too much powerful stuff in one place – you know how it goes.

The Collector: Wait, was this Loki!Odin’s call? Because I cannot imagine Loki having a problem owning TOO MUCH powerful stuff.

All: *stare awkwardly at each other*

The Collector: Oh well, that’s just a minor detail. I’ll keep it safe and sound. *he hugs the Infinity Stone to his chest really, really tightly.*

Volstagg: Welp, this seems legit and not at all suspicious. Later, y’all!

The Collector: Now audiences will have no choice but to see our next movie, just to figure out what the hell this scene was all about!

Cat-Whisker-Scar-Lady: *smiles darkly*

After the Credits

(no, after the OTHER credits)

Jane is still staring at the soggy remains of her cereal. But then – thunder from a clear sky, and her face lights up. Like lightening, if you will.

Bifrost: *crackles*

Thor appears on her balcony and Jane is already running to meet him. Sundrenched London makeouts ensue.

(They’re not as picturesque as Asgardian makeouts, but they’ll do.)

~The End~

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January 2014

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