amatyultare (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
amatyultare) wrote2019-01-03 06:17 pm
amatyultare) wrote2019-01-03 06:17 pm
Entry tags:
on cats and non-reciprocal empathy
This is a post from late 2017, in response to an original post:
Whenever anybody gets on how they think cats are horrible because they don’t shower you with easy-to-read physical affection I’m left wondering how much respect or understanding they can possibly have for fellow human beings who don’t all fit their exacting social standards.
I have thoughts on this.
I adopted a cat a few months ago, and it’s been way more emotionally intense than I expected. I wouldn’t say I adopted *thoughtlessly* - I had been thinking about it for quite a while, did a bunch of research about their needs, waited until I was sure I’d have money to take care of it properly, etc. But In terms of the emotional side of it, I was basically thinking “cute furry thing that will curl up in my lap and I’ll pet it” and not much further.
Instead, it’s been - look, I cringe as much as the next person when folks start talking about their “fur babies”, and having a cat is definitely NOT like having a kid. It’s exponentially easier. But…emotionally, it’s a little bit along the same lines as caring for a young child?
Here’s what I mean: a cat is a sentient being that you are obliged to care for, but which does not feel any reciprocal obligation to care about or humor you. You have to keep caring for the cat even if it’s “mean” by human standards. Your cat scratches you or pees on the floor or doesn’t like to be pet? Okay, but you still are responsible for giving it everything it needs to be healthy and happy.
Said straight out, it sounds crass to complain about. Of course you should take care of your pet (or kid) even when it isn’t acting loving towards you! But psychologically…it’s not always easy? We want to be appreciated for what we do. We want reciprocality. It takes a certain amount of emotional work and commitment to not let your behavior be affected by how the other side (be it person or pet) is acting towards you.
(Or maybe it’s only difficult for me, idk.)
So I guess, assuming we’re talking about that silly NYT piece, the author has backed into something of a point. People who own cats and truly treat them well are doing so, at least sometimes, in spite of their cat’s love or lack thereof. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing. In fact, in moderation (not so much it overwhelms your own needs) I think it’s good to learn to give because someone else needs it without needing reciprocal validation of your goodness.
Whenever anybody gets on how they think cats are horrible because they don’t shower you with easy-to-read physical affection I’m left wondering how much respect or understanding they can possibly have for fellow human beings who don’t all fit their exacting social standards.
I have thoughts on this.
I adopted a cat a few months ago, and it’s been way more emotionally intense than I expected. I wouldn’t say I adopted *thoughtlessly* - I had been thinking about it for quite a while, did a bunch of research about their needs, waited until I was sure I’d have money to take care of it properly, etc. But In terms of the emotional side of it, I was basically thinking “cute furry thing that will curl up in my lap and I’ll pet it” and not much further.
Instead, it’s been - look, I cringe as much as the next person when folks start talking about their “fur babies”, and having a cat is definitely NOT like having a kid. It’s exponentially easier. But…emotionally, it’s a little bit along the same lines as caring for a young child?
Here’s what I mean: a cat is a sentient being that you are obliged to care for, but which does not feel any reciprocal obligation to care about or humor you. You have to keep caring for the cat even if it’s “mean” by human standards. Your cat scratches you or pees on the floor or doesn’t like to be pet? Okay, but you still are responsible for giving it everything it needs to be healthy and happy.
Said straight out, it sounds crass to complain about. Of course you should take care of your pet (or kid) even when it isn’t acting loving towards you! But psychologically…it’s not always easy? We want to be appreciated for what we do. We want reciprocality. It takes a certain amount of emotional work and commitment to not let your behavior be affected by how the other side (be it person or pet) is acting towards you.
(Or maybe it’s only difficult for me, idk.)
So I guess, assuming we’re talking about that silly NYT piece, the author has backed into something of a point. People who own cats and truly treat them well are doing so, at least sometimes, in spite of their cat’s love or lack thereof. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing. In fact, in moderation (not so much it overwhelms your own needs) I think it’s good to learn to give because someone else needs it without needing reciprocal validation of your goodness.