Much Twilight ranting ahead - you've been warned

[amatyultare]

Today has been, not a bad day, but a day of grumpiness for me. And also a singularly unproductive day at work, which I freely admit is totally my fault. I spent a truly reprehensible amount of my work day essentially pouting.

The primary reason for this - and yes, I am ridiculous for getting so worked up/caught up in/influenced by a work of fiction, but there you go - is that I borrowed Eclipse and Breaking Dawn from Julie on Saturday and spent much of the day Sunday reading through Eclipse. Apologies to anyone who enjoyed Eclipse; you may not want to read the rest of this post.

I really do not know why I do this to myself. But kudos to Jason, who very patiently endured/indulged my angry rants via text message.

I guess the reason why I'm so upset about this book is that I hate certain behaviors with a passion. I hate it when someone tries to take away another person's ability to make choices for themselves. I hate manipulation (which is really just another way of trying to force someone's choice, except through emotional means) and passive aggressive behavior, which is essentially a pervasive form of manipulation. These three are some of my biggest 'buttons' - just seeing someone behaving like this, even if it's not to me directly, is likely to get me riled.

So, apropos to this, five distinct points in the book that I remember offhand bugged me. A lot.

The first one is early in the book and comparatively mild, but then I hadn't gotten desensitized yet. Bella had gotten plane tickets to visit her mom as a birthday present a while back. Edward finds the tickets, which are about to expire, and suggests they go that weekend. Bella is tempted because she'd like to see her mom, but decides against it. She'll be seeing Renee in a few weeks anyway, and she doesn't want to pick a fight with her dad since he's still pretty upset about the whole going-to-Italy escapade from New Moon. Plus he's not happy about her dependence on Edward, who of course would be accompanying her to Florida.

Edward disagrees with her choice, because he knows how much she wants to see her mom. Does he talk to her about it openly? Try to suggest a compromise? Respect that it's her decision and step the hell off? No, of course not. He brings up the tickets to Charlie, drops the fact that he'd be going too in a way he KNOWS will set Charlie off on his bossy-dad mode, which he KNOWS Bella hates. Basically, he manipulates the two of them into a nasty argument in which Bella threatens to move out - remember, Bella's whole reason for not going was because she didn't want a big fight with her dad - before he agrees to let her do something that she had decided not to do in the first place (but of course she has to now, or look like an idiot for fighting about it with her dad). And then Edward's all smug and 'it's not my fault you reacted exactly like I knew you would, haha' when she tries to call him on it.

The second episode comes shortly thereafter, when Bella decides to try to go and talk to/make up with the guy she used as an emotional cruch until her twu wuv came back her best friend Jacob, who's bitter over the whole choosing-the-vampire-jerk-over-the-sweet-werewolf thing. Jacob's not answering her calls, so she decides to drive over the reservation to see him face to face. Except that Edward, who is super-jealous is super-possessive is concerned for Bella's safety if she's around a werewolf, has...taken apart her car engine.

Takes her engine apart. So she can't go see her friend. So she'll be 'safer'. I'm just going to - put that out there.

The third comes close after and has the same cause; Bella still wants to go see Jacob and figures she'll have a chance over the weekend when Edward is away hunting. But no! Edward has bribed Alice with a yellow Porsche to kidnap (!) Bella to their house and basically keep her under house arrest and away from any romantic rivals dangerous werewolves the whole weekend. And Alice - supposedly Bella's closest female friend, they think of each other as sisters, etc etc - is totally on-board with this.

Again - excuse me, WHAT? Maybe it's because I'm oversensitive to being treated like a child, but I would have WALKED back to Forks, and the Cullens would have had to hurt me to stop me, which I doubt Edward would have liked. (The really pathetic part is, this scheme that Alice goes along with happily? The Paranoid Controlling One himself admits later that he was overreacting and shouldn't have done it.)

The fourth and fifth instances are especially saddening and rage-inducing, though, even though I knew they were coming, because I really did like Jacob in New Moon. He was a sweet guy. I am honestly not sure whether Stephenie Meyer decided to make him a jerk in the third book just in case we hadn't gotten her subtle hints about who Bella was REALLY supposed to end up with, or if she was making an honest attempt to make him seem a credible romantic rival because in her world, this is how guys act when they love you. And I don't know which idea depresses me more.

Anyway, both fill me with so much rage (actual quote from a text I sent to Jason: "AAAAARGH, I hate every character in this book SO MUCH!) that I can't even describe them; I'll recap them cleolinda style so as to keep myself from ranting overmuch.

Instance Four: Bella and Jacob are hanging out at the reservation.

Jacob: Hey Bella, I love you.
Bella: That's sweet, but, er, I love Edward, you know.
Jacob: But you love me, too!
Bella: ...um...not...really...
Jacob: Look, I'll show you! [bear hug, forced kiss]
Bella: !!!! [totally doesn't want this, tries to push him away]
Jacob: [is super strong, pays no attention]
The kiss: [finally ends]
Bella: [facepunch-knucklebreak (OW!)] You JERK! I am going HOME!
Jacob: Bella, don't pretend you didn't like it.
Bella: You were ASSAULTING ME! I was trying to push you away!
Jacob: Methinks you do protest too much...
Bella: WHAT? And me punching you was what, mild foreplay?
Jacob: Whatever, you were wearing a short skirt and totally asking for it.
Bella: GAAAH.
[they return to Bella's house]
Bella: [stomps into the kitchen to get ice for her BROKEN HAND]
Charlie: Hey Jacob. What's up with Bella, she PMSing or something?
Bella: I CAN HEAR YOU.
Jacob: Nah, she thinks she broke her hand.
Charlie: Haha! As her father, I should probably be somewhat concerned by this, but hell, she's fallen down flights of stairs and jumped off cliffs before, so whatev. What'd she do this time?
Jacob: Punched me because I kissed her, you know, against her will and whatever.
Charlie: Good for you, Jacob. (No, seriously. Charlies actually says that.)
Edward: [appears] Bella, your hand appears to be broken. While I would dearly love to take this werewolf to the cleaners this very moment, your wellbeing is my primary concern, so I'll take you to my doctor not-father so he can fix you up. [Ominous glare werewolf-wards] Jacob - don't try it again.
(Suddenly we are living on Opposite Planet where Edward is my favorite character, WTF?)

Scene 5: Bella and Edward are camping in the mountains to keep her safe while the rest of the Cullens and werewolves take care of Victoria and the army of newborn vamps she's created. Jacob took Bella up to the camp to disguise her Outrageous Flavor (TM) with his werewolf scent, but is heading back to the fight. He is extremely distraught as he's just found out that Bella and Edward are engaged, zomg.

Bella: So...awkward.
Jacob: [pouts]
Bella: I'm really, really sorry I put you through all of this; I realize it was totally selfish of me.
Jacob: Whatever, it's not just your fault. I knew you cared about Edward more, but I kept pushing. So it's my fault, too.
Bella: Oh, um, well, but if I hadn't...
Jacob: And I know how to fix it. In the fight about to come...
Bella: ???
Jacob: It'll be pretty easy to, you know, get myself out of the way.
Bella: !!!
Jacob: I'll be gone - it'll be a hero's death - and you won't have to worry about me anymore. You can be happy with your bloodsucker forever. *dramatic sniffle*
Bella: ?!?!?!
Jacob: Yes, I'll be dead, and you'll be married to one of the very undead creatures that I allowed to kill me. The irony slays me even now.
Bella: JACOB!
Jacob: Yup, totally gonna commit vampire-assisted suicide. Unless [significant glance] you gave me a reason to, you know [coy look] want to live...
Bella: [stares]
Jacob: If you could [imploring glance] somehow convince me that you WANT me to come back alive...
Bella: You totally want to kiss me again, don't you.
Jacob: Well - if you insist - [basically runs to Bella lips-first]
~later~
Bella: [sobs into her pillow]
Edward: What's wrong, my freesia-scented princess?
Bella: I kissed- but I couldn't- he was going to-
Edward: [laughs] What, you didn't actually believe him, did you? You're so cute when you're stupid, Bella.
Bella: ...what?
Edward: Jacob is nowhere near selfless enough to kill himself just so you wouldn't have to feel bad by rejecting him.
Bella: [slow blink]
Edward: He was totally lying so you'd agree to make out with him. And I should know, since I can read his mind.
Bella: [trying to process]
Edward: And, you know, you did agree to it this time. And I owe him for the whole keeping-you-sane-while-I-was-gone thing, and I know you two have some feelings for each other (though you love me more, of course). So it's water under the bridge.
Bella: Wait, you're not even mad?
Edward: I know, I'm suddenly the reasonable, non-jealous one of the three. Weird, huh?

I puposefully made this one a little funny because every time I think about it seriously a red haze sort of drops over my eyes, so let me re-summarize: Jacob tells Bella that he's going to kill himself, for the purpose of making her feel guilty enough to kiss him. Excuse me, can't type, I'm sputtering incoherently.

I am almost excited to read Breaking Dawn, because there is no way it can be as bad as Eclipse. (I know, famous last words and all, but I know basically what happens in BD and frankly I think I can handle blood-vomiting, bone-breaking pregnancies easily after this.)

And now, to bed.

Comments

[frauleinfrog.livejournal.com]

See, this is why I'm not gonna read them. TOO. AWFUL. I close down fanfic waaay before it gets this bad, there's no way I'm going to read drivel when I can basically be hip to the jive of popular culture via the internet.

At least your rage is in good company though! :D