amatyultare

I wrote this in early 2018 in response to a tumblr friend asking if other folks remembered the Xanth series. I took the opportunity to rant about another Piers Anthony book.

Unfortunately, yes.

Also, apologies but I’m gonna hijack this post to rant a little about Piers Anthony’s Race Against Time, because I hardly ever get the opportunity.

I encountered Race Against Time in a library book sale when I was in my late teens. It was 10 cents, so I picked it up. And HOO BOY. (tons of spoilers behind the cut)

In Race Against Time, our protagonist is a white teenage boy living in what he thinks is 1950s in the USA. However, he quickly discovers that he’s in a sort of zoo/Truman Show set created by a race of short grey-skinned humanoids. He escapes and, assuming they’ve been kidnapped by aliens, attempts to get back to Earth with the one other “real person” from his simulation, a white teenage girl.

While escaping, they pick up some companions: two Chinese teens (one male and one female) who were living in a simulation of 10th (?) century China and two African teens (again, one male and one female) who were living in a simulation of, uh, a small village/tribe situation on the savannahs of, erm, somewhere in Africa.

(”But Ama, why are you being so weirdly specific about their ethnicities?” HOOOOOO BOY.)

After attempting a daring escape, and teasing some possible romances between various characters of different ethnicities (I don’t remember exactly who, but think: the Chinese girl and the African guy, the white girl and the Chinese guy, etc.) the set of teens discovers:

• They were on Earth the whole time, it’s just the future
• The grey humanoids are actually future!humans
• People are grey now because of pollution –> race wars (I think?) –> weaponized plagues –> much of the population was killed –> race mixing –> no more distinct human races and everyone is grey (???)
• The grey-skinned racially ambiguous humans no longer have any creativity or drive, because race mixing is the worst, and humanity is regressing (?!?!?!?!?) (this is not my interpretation, it is explicitly stated in the text)
• In conclusion, these grey-skinned, mixed-race and therefore inferior humans have created “pure” breeding pairs (of, of course, the only three races: U.S. White, African, and Chinese) and raised them in facsimiles of the ~pinnacles~ of their respective societies to fall in love with their designated Race Mate and have lots of Racially Pure Babies (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)

And these teenagers get this all dumped on them and go, huh. Well. Guess we better go back to our artificial 1950s USA/10th century China/African savannah and get on with saving humanity by having "pure race” babies. Too bad about those romances we teased, but they must give way to Saving Humanity by Having Pure Breed Babies.

And that’s the end of the book.

It was written in 1973. At the time, it was apparently called “controversial” and “layered”.

The sad thing is, Piers Anthony has almost certainly written stuff that’s even worse than a YA-novel-length defense of racial eugenics and condemnation of mixed-race relationships. But Race Against Time (savor the retroactive awfulness of that title) was definitely what made me swear off his work.

Chapter 28 – Vampires In Love

Final prom scene! It goes well! We’re in present tense again! The show closes out with What A Feeling from Flashdance! I’ve never seen Flashdance, but these lyrics are about ‘dancing through your life’ and ‘all your dreams coming true’ which seems only tangentially related to Twilight? Eh, it’s a big song and dance number to close out the show, whatever. And of course, we get the full lyrics of the song, because why not.

“As we sing the final few lines, I realize we’ve done it. It all came together in one glorious…thing, bigger than any of us. We took all our differences in personality, beliefs, looks and desires, and melded them into a new entity – a story told with passion, credibility, and lots of great music.”

It’s bigger than any of us! Except for the part where the entire universe conspired to give me the lead part! And I wrote the whole script and all of the best songs, and the entire case agrees that it’s MY SHOW! So really, it’s all about me!

I will not punch my Kindle. I will not punch my Kindle.

Just one more chapter!

Chapter 26 – Nigel Comes Clean

The first part of this section is Sadie recounting the first musical number, Don’t Stop Believing. It’s also in present tense, which annoyed me, but I guess you could argue it reflects how Sadie is hyperaware of the present while she’s performing so I’ll let it go.

The first act goes really well and Sadie is the perfect leading lady despite not having any practice in the role, naturally. During intermission Nigel appears and apologizes, and explains: he DID get Lucey pregnant, but she agreed to keep it a secret so his parents wouldn’t get upset and ship him back to his awful hometown in England. Also, he’s only been playing the role of a punk womanizer; at home he’s really a music theater nerd. They talk a little bit about how he’ll eventually need to come clean to his parents, etc. My lack of caring is boundless.

Deep breaths. Three more chapters.

Chapter 24 – Desperately Seeking Alex

Surprising no one, Mr. Lord doesn’t believe her and tries to grab the gun. Also surprising no one, Sadie doesn’t have the guts to even try a warning shot. (Okay, that’s unfair - few high schoolers would be comfortable shooting at someone.)

Then Mr. Ellison hits Mr. Lord over the head with a shovel. Okay, I really like Mr. Ellison.

Alex apologizes profusely (?), telling Sadie that he knows she’s a great actor. He just didn’t want her to have to spend the whole day with a gun-wielding maniac. This appeases Sadie and she forgives him. Because everything really DOES revolve around Sadie! Her hurt feelings are the most important part of this situation!

Finally Mr. Ellison calls the police while Alex and Sadie tie up Mr. Lord. Instead of staying to talk to the police, they decide to head back to school. Oh, and Sadie really will be Bella, since the other girl will probably be more occupied with her boyfriend’s arrest. Yay.

They spend the drive back to school recalling the insanity of the morning, finishing up with a high five about having saved things as a team, just like old times.

Then Sadie goes to the bathroom to cry, because she realizes that she actually fell in love with Alex the day he returned from California, but being attracted to his hotness makes her just as shallow as all the other girls in the school. Woe.

Sadie tries to make it through the school day, but she’s exhausted and goes home early after finally talking to the police. Instead of napping, she mulls over the Alex situation some more and eventually digs out a bunch of home movies from when they were kids. Watching them makes her realize that he was always attractive, she just didn’t realize it. And she didn’t decide to be his friend or fall in love with him because he turned hot, it was just what opened her eyes to how she really felt about him.

So that’s all right then? Crisis of conscience solved in about four pages. Also, she decides she doesn’t want to date Alex; she just wants him back as her best friend. (Guess how long this lasts.)

She arrives at school that evening ready to rock as Bella (FINALLY), but wanting to take her time getting into costume and makeup since the whole thing feels pretty surreal. Then Nigel corners her and suggests that they “step outside and practice our kiss for real”. She rejects him and brings up Lucey, because apparently he’s the one who impregnated her now? He denies it, but shakily, and runs off. Uh, he’s still playing Edward, right? …good luck with that chemistry onstage?

Oh, but Mr. Lord’s girlfriend is still here! And still planning on playing Bella! DUN DUN DUN.

Chapter 22 – Bull’s-Eye

Alex borrows his mom’s car to drive them to Burning Farm. Hiding the car behind some bushes, they sneak in. They find Mr. Ellison, who is in fact tied up in the barn on a pile of hay. He seems surprisingly calm at first, but starts yelling as they cut him free about how he’s going to sue Mr. Lord (yes, it was Mr. Lord) for every penny.

The story is, Mr. Lord came up to Burning Farm to confront Mr. Ellison again about the Sadie vs. ‘more professional’ replacement Bella, and then knocked him out and tied him up. He’s been bringing Mr. Ellison food and water, but wanted him out of the way until the show was over. Also, Other Bella is a college student at a local school and Mr. Lord’s girlfriend.

(Why did Mr. Lord take the risk of kidnapping Mr. Ellison, when Mr. Ellison had already decided to take a couple of days off to go fishing? Mr. Lord could have handled the play exactly like he wanted to, without committing any crimes. THIS MAKES NEGATIVE AMOUNTS OF SENSE.)

Just as Mr. Ellison gets fully loose from his bonds, there’s the sound of another car. Is it Mr. Lord? Mr. Ellison tells the kids to hide because the kidnapper is “a little unpredictable”. Okay, why is Mr. Ellison not calling the cops? Instead, the plan is to lure Mr. Lord inside and create a false sense of comfort before – uh – tackling and overpowering him, I guess. This seems like an irresponsible plan for a high school teacher to pitch to his students?

But they hide anyway, and a figure appears in the doorway!

Chapter 20 – Hell Breaks Loose

Please, oh please let this be the chapter where Mr. Lord is arrested and/or fired for (allegedly) sleeping with an underage student over whom he had direct authority?

Sadie fully returns to the show as an unofficial assistant director. The acting is okay, the music is good, but the transitions are rough and some of the staging is choppy. Also, the performances are set for December 17, 18, and 19. Man, they are really cutting it close.

Then, at the beginning of tech week, Lucey has to quit! Her morning sickness is so severe that she’s dehydrated and needs to be put on an IV. I’m just throwing my hands up in the air and saying of course, because, well, of course Lucey is being severely punished for her slutty, slutty ways.

And Sadie, of course, immediately starts wondering if she’ll be offered the role and finally decides to ask the club advisors directly. Instead, she accidentally overhears Mr. Ellison and Mr. Lord fighting about that very question; Mr. Ellison wants to give Sadie the part but Mr. Lord wants to find someone more professional who can jump in and shine at the last minute. He asks for 24 hours. Incidentally, this is at least the fifth time the plot has been pushed forward by someone accidentally overhearing a relevant conversation.

The next day, it’s announced that Mr. Ellison has quit the play and is taking a few day off from school entirely. Also, Mr. Lord is being (more of) a jerk and tells Sadie to read the part of Bella “just for today”.

The whole cast freaks out. However, Sadie and a couple of the old-timers talk it out and convince everyone to keep going by breaking down their problems.

One, they need a director. The solution? Adrienne will try to get in touch with Mr. Ellison and if she can’t, Sadie will do her best since she’s apparently not actually going to play Bella.

Two, they need a Bella. They are trusting in Mr. Lord to find one.

Three, the show still needs a lot of work. But having a director besides Mr. Lord (whether that’s Mr. Ellison or Sadie) will help.

Oh, and we finally get a plot reason for that weird scene back in chapter 8 where Adrienne and Sadie teach Mr. Ellison how to text and in the process put Sadie’s number in Mr. Ellison’s phone. She gets a couple of texts from an ~unknown number~ , one of which says: (sic)

“If life were anna k, je would be a and tl v after Italy. Have retreated to my secrt place to think with ab snopes. Pleas forgive me for mising show. Tell cast to break leg. PS Pleas don’t forget your friends (A).”

I confess, I have not read Anna Karenina. I guess JE is Mr. Ellison and TL is Mr. Lord? But reading the Wiki summary of Anna Karenina, I’m still confused as to what this means.

Sadie doesn’t understand it at all and, rather than texting this mystery person back, ignores it. Of course.

Chapter 18 – WTF

Okay, so now the story is that Alex is the person who impregnated Lucey. I suspect white-knight shenanigans, but Sadie instantly believes it and is crushed. And is also convinced that this means they REALLY can never be friends again, because it’s impossible to be friends with someone who is dating someone you don’t like.

Wait, one page? A one page chapter? You know what, I’m 67% through this thing, I don’t even care anymore.

Chapter 16 – Hara-kari

It’s actually ‘hara-kiri’, but frankly that’s the least of this book’s problems.

“My weary existence slithered into Sunday.” Oh, give it a rest, Sadie.

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Chapter 14 – Only Divas Need Apply

Halfway there! This is the part where I started getting legitimately angry at this book.

And, on a related note - I can’t believe I’m having to write this, but trigger warning for non-specific but incredibly blithe discussion of statutory rape.

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Chapter 12 - Bit Part Hell

I will laugh so hard if Sadie gets cast as Rosalie, y’all have no idea.

“I hated auditions because I wasn’t in charge.” Why, you don’t say! Also apparently thirty-plus people are auditioning. Where were all of these people during the club meetings? I’m so confused. “Personally I thought the time I invested in the script…should have earned me extra points on my audition scorecard.” Except that being able to cut down a movie script is not the same thing as being able to act, sing, and dance?

I find it funny that this school doesn’t have the money for a drama club, but has money for both a music teacher (Mr. Lord) and a separate band director. My school was twice the size of Sadie’s and we had one music teacher who taught music theory, band, jazz band, and chorus and handled musical theater. Also, Mr. Lord has recruited a choreographer. Sure.

Anyway, Sadie sings Gotta Go My Own Way from HSM2 because why not. She reads a short dialogue from her script, and has a dance audition. Then, it’s time to wait anxiously for the results. Mr. Ellison praises her audition, but she’s deeply anxious to learn the final casting decisions on Monday.

Incidentally, she spends the whole weekend fretting about how she NEEDS to be Bella because Bella and Edward are so intensely the focus of the show, and Bella will definitely have at least one solo, and “I needed a solo at this stage in my Crudup acting career.” I am running out of ways to humorously say it: high school DOES NOT matter that much. Getting or not getting the star role in your junior year musical, especially when it’s a crappy Twilight/Glee/pop song mashup at a school of 250 students, is really just not going to make a big difference in your theatrical success in the real world.

Finally, Monday! Lucey is Bella. Nigel is Edward. Can I get a ‘ well, duh’ from the audience? Sadly, Sadie is not Rosalie (she could have pulled off hilarious bitchface! Sigh), she’s Alice.

Sadie is disappointed, as is pretty much every girl who isn’t Bella. Also, she’s grossed out that she’s going to have to pretend to be romantic with Ben, the nerdy kid who’s been cast as Jasper. Wouldn’t it have been even more awkward to be Bella, forced to be all romantic with Nigel? Count your blessing, Sadie.

And we get the first (and second, and third) of what will no doubt be many winking “sucking” references. Because vampires suck blood! Oh dear Lord, this is going to be the rollercoaster all over again.

During the first read-through, the cast finally realizes there’s no Jacob (not, note, when they looked at the cast announcement and didn’t see anyone given the role of Jacob). Jacob is an incredibly minor character in the first book, but everyone freaks out anyway. They also freak out about every single change from the movie and/or book. Although to be fair, this is a realistic depiction of Twihards.

As she heads home, Sadie progresses from heady self-congratulation over writing a real script (or making minor changes to a movie script, but whatevs) to “deep in despair” over the whole not-being-Bella thing.

Hey, did you notice that Sadie Perkins sounds a lot like Sadie Hawkins? Maybe we should spend a page or two elucidating Sadie’s feelings on that. (Her feelings are negative. Please try to hide your surprise.) She googles famous Sadies, and there aren’t many, woe.

“I sketched out a theatre marquee with the words ‘Starring Sadie Perkins as Bella Swan’ in bold block letters. But obviously I wasn’t destined to be Bella…I was just me…A sixteen-year-old girl with a debilitating theatre obsession and yet another bit part.”

And this is the moment where I said “Oh, for fuck’s sake, shut up,” at my Kindle for the first time.